3 am

Dear To-whom-it-may-or-may-not-concern,

I plan to write a short post today. This is not because I have nothing to write, but because I choose not to write them down. Their being archived in my mind is strenuous enough anyway. Today is an interesting date 09-09-09. But its harbringer, yesterday was hardly what one would call pleasant. To quote myself, "all semblance of order seems to be collapsing..." . This is due to a plethora of events over the last few days. It encompasses everything even remotely related to me. Someone told me last day that this world should be a much better place, where trust would be valued and moderate levels of success ensured. The first point is a major departure from a seemingly similar statement commonly made by people, that the world could be a better place. The difference lies in the inherent belief in the scope for salvation the former propagates. It says that goodness should not be choice and chance, but compulsory. Then all would be in peace.

I once shared similar beliefs to those stated above. Both the thoughts, that is. But the fight called life hardened me to such an extent, that such pleasantly optimistic ideas fail to pierce me now. Now all that happens around me either seems pointless or unfair. No longer do I, as in the old days, value an arguement or a person by its merit. Now the primary motivator is need. This is not as benign as it may seem. This kind of approach contrasts so greatly to my earlier self that I often fail to recognise my new self, especially when I recall my old. This is hardly something that should happen to a person no older than twenty. But now I no longer get pleasured by the little aspects of life that brought me boundless happiness not so long ago. I feel so disturbed by this that I even envy people who are free, with unfettered minds and undisturbed souls.

An estranged person called me stoic, even selfish not so long ago. This one sentence shows what's changed. Five years ago, I thought estranged was a concept restricted to literature for great heroes and villians. Feeling was easy to come by. My life was mostly about myself, but no one would dream of calling me selfish. See how we change. I know no longer what I feel. So overwhelmingly involved am I in others' lives that sometimes I lose track of my own. Yet people come and call me diplomatic, selfish and what not. I wonder who gave Cassius the idea that people do not change with time. Maybe the observation period was never quite long enough.

I know half of who started reading will never reach this point, but then today I write not for them, but for myself. This is not the time to write stuff anyway, what with an exam in 6 hours, that I haven't even started preparing for yet. But as I end I tell all who were there for me and for all who weren't, thank you for your roles in my lives. They might or might not have made be a better person, but nonetheless, they made me the person that I am.

Goodbye for now

P.S. Thanks to Aerosmith for these lines :
"Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dust to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay"

P.P.S. I think I promised a short post.
Guess what, I lied!

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